Even though I hate grocery shopping, I asked Mom if I could drive her. I’m really bad at parking, so I need the practice. I already nudged a few cars, and I do not want Mom or Dad reaming me out again. I only left a mark on one car which isn’t so bad.
As soon as we entered, Mom went straight to the chips aisle and drooled all over them. I mean, she literally drooled, so I had to buy a roll of paper towels to clean up her puddles. So embarrassing. She bought sour cream and onion and a disgusting salt and vinegar. Why would you want vinegar on your chips? That’s when it hit me.
Just like pregnant humans, pregnant aliens crave weird food. She bought a ton of candies and for some reason, four kinds of mustard. And here’s the kicker. When we got to the eggs, she started crying. She opened up a carton and held one up to the light. Aliens don’t eat eggs because it freaks us out. I mean, we come from eggs. Usually we don’t even stop at the egg case, but she seemed to open every carton to check on them. I think she stood there for ten minutes.
Then out of the blue, she yelled at me for not getting the right crackers. Mood swings—another early sign of pregnancy.
She barely looked at her list, and I had to remind her to buy stuff like bread and milk, you know actual food. I need to eat well to maintain my figure. Aliens are not supposed to be plus size models.
I didn’t even ask her because I was afraid to hear her say the word “expecting.” I swear, Dana just hatched less than a month ago! It’s called contraception, Mom!! Do I have to talk about birth control with her??